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So I was out working in the yard, where God often speaks to me, and he told me something. It really didn't have anything to do with what's going on in my life (as far as I know) or a topic that was on my mind, but there it was in my head. So I wondered what I should do with it. It's not an answer to a question and I'm not preparing to speak anywhere (thank goodness!) but maybe I'm supposed to share it. Where can I share it? Say I know..... If you are a parent then you probably have a similar experience to mine - children asking you to get them things for their birthday or Christmas - Barbies, bikes, trampolines, puppies, a Red Ryder BB gun. Often my children have asked for things that I have no intention of buying them. Like the cheap plastic flashlight/light saber at the circus where they charge like $10 for something I could get for $2 at the store and it will be broken by the end of next week. Some of it's just junk and I'm trying to spare them the tears when it breaks. Or there's the flashy noisemaking thing they just saw on tv and can't even remember the name, but, oh, it lights up and spins and walks and talks and drinks and burps. And they will be bored with it after the first day. And then there's the stuff that they just can't learn to use wisely no matter how many chances they get, for us that's the swords. At first I let them get them. "Yeah, Mom, we know we can't hit with them and we have to be careful not to hurt anyone with them and if we do you'll take 'em away." They rarely make it through a day. We don't buy those anymore.
Sometimes we're like that with our heavenly Father. "I really love him, why doesn't he love me? Please, God, can't you make him love me?" "I love this house, why can't I have it?" "God, if you let me win the powerball, I promise I'll give the church half." From our point of view the object of our desire is beautiful, shiny and will make us happy. Why wouldn't God want to make us happy?
Probably because from his view he can see that that relationship, just like a cheap toy, will fall apart and make us cry. He wants to protect us. And the perfect house, or job, or car like a flashy but useless toy, will make us happy for a little bit, but it's not what we really need and soon we'll want something else to fill our emptiness. He wants us to look to Him to fill our needs.
And why won't God let me win the powerball. I really, really want to give most of it away to church and missionaries. I really do want it to serve His purposes, so why not? Maybe because he knows we can't use it wisely. Because we will begin to worship it instead of Him.
Sometimes I do let my children have these things they ask for, because they just won't understand why they're not good and I see that they will have to learn it for themselves. And our Father God does the same. We keep whining and nagging. It's not that we wear him down like a human parent might be, but he sees that we'll have to learn for ourselves - the hard way.
He's a good dad. When our new toy doesn't do what we hoped He doesn't say, "I told you so." He just opens His arms and holds us and gives us what we really need. Him.
Over the years of our marriage we've established that my husband is the worrier and I'm not. If I'm an hour late getting home, he envisions me in a terrible car crash, if he's an hour late I figure he bumped into an old friend. But lately I've made a discovery about myself.
I do worry.
I just worry about different things. Things that I need to do, that I forgot to do, that people expect of me that I can't live up to. You see the things I can't control, I don't worry about. That's God's thing and worrying about it won't change it. But the things I control, those I worry that I'm going to screw up.
I know, that's really weird. Most people worry about the things they CAN'T control. So what's wrong with me?
I don't know I just think I'm going to say the wrong thing or forget to mail the important papers by the deadline costing us a fortune or that the dinner will be burned. No, I don't have a lot of self-confidence. I don't take on a many projects, and really with 8 kids, homeschooling, homemaking and all that, I don't have time for a lot of outside stuff. But I've realized that often I turn down projects because I don't feel I can do a good job of it.
I also realized that I have the same approach to new ideas. When somebody announces they are doing something new and different like the 3 guys who drove through all 48 continental states in 5 days I say, "Wow, how cool!" But when my husband suggests something new and different, "Hey, Honey, whaddaya say we make a plan to do a weekend getaway without the kids?" I'm quick to point out all the reasons it won't work. I've realized the reason I'm so optimistic about others lofty goals, but pessimistic about my own rather humble aspirations is........me. I have great confidence that others can pull off great things, but sadly can't picture myself accomplishing much besides what I'm already doing - and I don't feel all that great about my job performance where I'm at. Yes, it's a cliche but I have a fear of failure.
I've made a few feeble, small efforts at trying new things to push myself some. I am seeing that I can learn to do new things and not be destroyed at the failures that are part of the process. But it's not easy. When I screw up, I get frustrated but try to remember the big picture and remember that others fail, too. They just usually persevere until they get it right and that's what I need to do, too. I worry too much along the way about looking foolish to others, which is strange because I never cared what they thought of how I dressed, homeschooled and homebirthed. Why do I care what "they" think now?
I've realized that I'm going to have to continue to push myself to do things despite my fear of failing, or I'll never grow anymore. Satan has me bound up in the shadows of my own inadequacies and to break free I have to embrace risk. Risk that I'll fail, look foolish, be laughed at, but that will move me out of the shadows and into the light. Move me further from me and closer to God. And that's really what it's about. It's not just about me having accomplishments to feel good about myself, it's about glorifying God and knowing Him more. I can't do those things very well if I'm hiding in the shadows, hoping no one will notice me. I can't do that anymore. I won't do that anymore. So here I go. Say a prayer for me, will you?
Reliant K: Be My Escape
I really liked this movie. I know, it's not like the book and for some people that's a problem. Well, it's been ages since I read the book, and with my weak memory, that means ... I don't care if it's not like the book. :-) I highly recommend it.
....or none of the above.
So many labels...but none really fit. How do I describe myself? Hmmmm. I am a Christian. But more than that it's hard to say. I'm not a fundamentalist - I mean I don't wear dresses only, shun alcohol or run in fear of rock and roll music.
I'm not orthodox - after all I not only do laundry on days other than Monday, but I don't sort my whites and darks.
Emerging... from where, and to what? I guess if I don't know, I must not be. Right?
All I know is this:
Jesus, son of God most High, died for me, rescued me from the black dungeon of my sin
My life is His, for in whose hands can I trust it more than in my Creator's
I must daily walk in His footsteps or I may lose my way
He loves me, He LOVES me, He loves .... ME!
Why, I don't know, but it is all I need
and I shall cling to it always.
I'm a wife and a mom. Typical in many ways, but atypical in many more. You see I have 8 children. When my husband tells others this truth, they ask him why and feel sorry for his poor wife. When I tell others they tell me I must be supermom and other complimentary lines.
In this 2.1-child-per-family-one-boy,-one-girl,-.1-who-knows-what? world, we're kind of outsiders. Some might think I am nostalgic of the stories of my grandparents generation, trying to recreate the large families that my parents enjoyed. You'd be wrong. In fact, when I think of my grandmothers, I think they would be shaking their heads in disapproval of SO many children.
Because in our upside-down family it was my grandmothers who were modern women working outside the home, bringing home the bacon just like their husbands and keeping their families small intentionally.
My maternal grandmother was born in 1910 and married during the Great Depression. Everyone was poor, she had come from a large family that was extremely poor even before the depression. When she had babies, she made sure it was only 2 and they were 5 years apart. She didn't work because she was a feminist, she worked because she wanted her babies to go to college some day and have priveleges she didn't.
My paternal grandmother was born in 1900. She came from a wealthy family and became a teacher and married late and later inherited a lot of money. She had only one son, I believe, because she didn't want to spend a lot of time being a mom, she had lots of important things to do and more children would prevent her from doing them. She didn't work because she had to, or even because she was a feminist, it was simply what she wanted to do and nobody told her what she could and couldn't do. She liked teaching and that's what she would do.
My maternal grandmother died before I was married. I know the only reason she would shake her head at so many children is that she would be concerned they all got what they needed. They don't always get what they want, and don't always get what I want them to have or think would be good for them, but they always have what they need - God has provided abundantly.
My paternal grandmother lived to see our first child, whom she was thrilled with. She also learned I was expecting our second child and was horrified and told me "there are ways to prevent that (but your grandpa always took care of that)" What? LaLaLa, fingers in the ears, don't want to hear about grandma and grandpa's birth control, thank-you-very- much! She died before our second child was born, so I never heard her opinion of #3-8. She would be sad I was wasting so much of my life :-( and trying to convince us to move to her town and live near her like always.
So what's my point? Haven't got one. Just was thinking how backwards it seems to culture. In the 1930's and '40s when most women were staying home, having big families, my grandmothers were going against the grain. And now when most families have 2 children and most mothers work at least part-time, I'm a stay-at-home mom of a large brood. Maybe that explains my contrariness, it's in my genes - don't like public schools? -that's fine I'll teach 'em myself it can't be that hard. Don't like them hospital births? Home, Sweet Home for me. And my, these little things, children, they're not nearly so bad as everyone is always letting on. In fact, they keep life hopping, don't they? Let's rustle up a few more! :-)
I decided I needed somewhere to work out my thoughts. To write them down and hopefully understand them better. God has been moving me, growing me, I've been reading a lot of books to learn more. Things like Rich Mullins: An Arrow Pointing to Heaven (actually a reread of this), The Screwtape Letters and Surprised by Joy by C.S. Lewis, and others I can't think of right now. And after I read each book I find a jumble of thoughts fill my mind, but with little time to really ponder these thoughts and so many interruptions, it seems I can never organize them in any meaningful way. I never really move forward with them and over time the insight that might have come with them seems to disappear.So.....I am hoping that writing my thoughts down will force me to organize them and maybe I will learn some new things about myself and my God. And I'm writing it as a blog so I can get feedback from others because we all have blinders in some areas and other people can call me on those areas, which will help me learn and grow even more.
