Home Again, Home Again, Jiggety-jig

My sons who were on a mission trip this summer for 7 weeks are home. Yay! The oldest has been away for a training program for the past 10 months (with college-like visits throughout) and the mission trip was the last part of it. We traveled It is obvious he has really grown spiritually during that time. It's wonderful to see that! Life hasn't always been easy with him. We went through a time of rebellion and anger from him and wondered where it would lead. He hasn't arrived. None of us have (here on earth), but he's so different than he was even 2 years ago.

And yet......he's already getting into it with his 17 year-old sister. Their relationship has been very good for the past year, much better than ever before. But she's at a rebellious point and now he takes our side. He likes to think of himself as a vice parent. We frequently tell him he's not, but does get somewhat bossy with his siblings. Mostly his sister. Not only do I not need his help, I'm concerned that it will hurt his relationship with her AND stress her relationship with her dad and me more than it already is. He's teasing her about issues that she's sensitive about and pushing her about things that will make her want to rebel more. I tried to talk to both of them yesterday about the bickering and he said they're just playing, but she's not. She's angry with him and she's ready for him to leave already and he's only been home a day and a half.

He's hoping to only be home for about four months while he works and saves some money in preparation for his next step (which is yet to be determined). As much as I love him and want him to live here, we've gotten used to him being gone and I think it may be best for the family now if he's not here permanently. Almost all because of the difficulties with his sister I foresee, but also because I suspect that after the freedom from us he's had the last year he will find it difficult to live with all of us again as well, which will make it stressful for all of us.

Launching them into independence sure ain't easy.

Does the Music Stink?

It's been a while since I posted. I've got one post waiting to be finished about our church struggles, but I don't know if or when I'll finish it. One of the main issues we're struggling with in our congregation, as many are, is music. The congregation just can't agree. As usual it's mostly along age lines. Hymns or praise choruses or even more current songstyles. How loud and do we have to have drums? We even had one visitor storm out in the middle of worship muttering about how guitars do not belong in church. Huh?

Anyway, so this issue has been on my mind a lot. Not only because we want unity in the church, but because my husband is the program director which means he's in charge of what goes on during the service and gets all the complaints from all areas of the spectrum.

I just read this position paper I found The Music Stinks! and was pretty amazed at this guy's assertions about music in the church. The author is Dave Hatcher who is the pastor of Eastside Evangelical Fellowship in Kirkland, WA. No, I don't know who he is, but given the disagreements in our church over music I thought this would be a dandy article to start a discussion of worship music.

Some excerpts:

At the time of the Reformation, the church was the centerpiece for the
cultural norms of Truth, Beauty and Goodness.

In the seventies and eighties, after
over 150 years with no sense of what 'high art' ought to look like, and a
growing consumer mentality within the church, we caved into the demand for
pop-worship styles, along with our sermonettes and skits, for game-show like
worship services.

So, is he saying there has been no good worship songs written in the past 150 years? And 'high art'? I thought we were to praise God with sincere hearts and make a joyful noise to the Lord. Have I missed the verse teaching high art?

And what will the church say of the music of the twentieth century that was used in the worship of God in 'modern' churches? I would guess that it will simply be a quick illustration of how the twentieth century church, lacking any moral or aesthetic leadership, followed after the unbelieving world, desperately seeking its attention and acceptance, like the unattractive woman she had become.

While I agree that we need to be careful in how we might change our worship to reach out to the unchurched and that we shouldn't make our worship service all about them, does he really think that not singing songs that are two, three or four hundred years old necessarily means a church is lacking any moral leadership???

In addition, as worship services become more and more man-centered, focused on 'bringing them in', we serve music that suits the tastes of the God-hating unbeliever. If music were the beverage used to proclaim a toast to the King of kings, we have substituted Bud-Lite for fine champagne, simply because Bubba and his boys never acquired a taste for the latter. All for the sake of 'earning the right to be heard', we no longer have anything to say.

Jesus was a simple man from a simple family. One of the remarkable things about the gospel that touches many people is how it speaks to ALL, not just the upper class or even middle class but that the humblest person was loved enough by Jesus that he made the ultimate sacrifice for even him or her. The author seems to confuse good aesthetics and high quality hymns with holiness and common modern music with being man-centered and God-hating. I am appalled at his elitism.

Solutions. If we are thinking covenantally, then we must understand that 'we' are the problem, not 'they'. We must begin by repenting ourselves. Rather than building on the work of great church-musicians like J.S. Bach, we have gone down a long road of compromises, theologically, lyrically, and musically. These decisions have been made in the orthodox church for the most part, paralleling our compromises in the areas of science and rationalism, the integrity of the Scriptures and translations, and relativism in every area of art and the aesthetics.

A return to the hymns of the previous centuries, particularly the 16th, 17th and 18th centuries when the reformation was making all kinds of wonderful applications in the arts, is certainly the place to start.

Yes, he really is dismissing the last 150 or so years of Christian music.

Including the ones that share the gospel message or that praise God with words straight out of the scriptures. Well, certainly he can't be criticizing all those songs (there's a lot of 'em) based on the words, so it must be purely on his personal preferences of musical style. I'm guessing he'd hate my new favorite, Lead Me to the Cross. It shares the gospel message but our worship team plays it with drums, guitars and electric bass and it sure ain't no Bach:

Savior I come
Quiet my soul remember
Redemptions hill
Where Your blood was spilled
For my ransom
Everything I once held dear
I count it all as lost

Lead me to the cross
Where Your love poured out
Bring me to my knees
Lord I lay me down
Rid me of myself
I belong to You
Lead me, lead me to the cross

You were as I
Tempted and tried
Human
The word became flesh
Bore my sin and death
Now you're risen
Everything I once held dear
I count it all as lost

Lead me to the cross
Where Your love poured out
Bring me to my knees
Lord I lay me down
Rid me of myself
I belong to You
Lead me, lead me to the cross

To your heart
To your heart
Lead me to your heart


I just can't believe this guy is dismissing nearly 200 years' worth of songs because they aren't aesthetically pleasing to him. I agree that some songs are theologically incorrect or trite. But the rest is just personal preference. I personally don't like singing the same line over 10 times. But that doesn't mean someone else doesn't find it wonderful to really focus on the meaning of that one line. Look at scripture. There is lots of repeating in the psalms. Or how about what the angels sing in the heavens. LOTS of repetition there. :-) I also can't enjoy rap music and hope to never incorporate that into our regular worship time, but that doesn't mean I think it can't be holy and pleasing to the Lord.

What do you think about worship music? Should we stick to hymns? Only hymns that are good quality (like from the 16th, 17th and 18th centuries)? Are there any instruments that should be banned from church? Do you think your church service looks more like a game show? ;-)

God Says Children.....

1. will eat you out of house and home (not just house OR home, but BOTH! :-)
2. drive you insane
3. will send you into bankruptcy by sending 5000+ text messages in just one month
4. are like olive shoots

You will eat the fruit of your labor; blessings and prosperity will be yours. Your wife will be like a fruitful vine within your house; your sons will be like olive shoots around your table. Thus is the man blessed who fears the LORD. Psalm 128:2-4

Yes, the correct answer is olive shoots. Okay, so next time I'll try to make my quiz a little harder.

I get lots of comments about having 8 children.

• "Don't you guys own a tv?" Yeah, but we don't have cable.
• "Don't you know what causes that?" Oh yes! {big smile}
• "I am one of 8 children. You are blessed!" Yes, we are. Thanks.
• "You are crazy." Yep! Isn't it great?
• "You certainly have your hands full." Yep! Isn't it great?
• "Are you done yet?" I don't know, that's up to God.

Probably the one I hear most is, "How do you do it?" People often think or even say that I'm superwoman. That really makes me uncomfortable. I'm not superwoman, I'm not even somewhat-better-than-average-woman. I'm "just" a mom, like most other moms out there. Sometimes my children drive me crazy, I'm stressed out too often and my house is usually a mess. So why do I have 8 children? That's a question I'm surprisingly asked very infrequently. Usually when I am asked that, it's a stranger in a situation where I don't have a lot of time. A good brief answer is: God says children are a blessing.

Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are sons born in one's youth. Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them. They will not be put to shame when they contend with their enemies in the gate. Psalm 127:4-5

Yes, children are hard work. I have had to sacrifice some things I'd like to do to take care of them. They do cost a lot of money. But, they have blessed me in more ways than I can say. They are fun, cute, silly, loving, sweet and charming. They cuddle with me and think I'm wonderful (most of the time)(okay, .... not so much when they are teens). They teach me lots of things about the stars, animals, playing princess, Star Wars, Legend of Zelda, and ipods. But the biggest learning comes from the parallels I can see between my relationship with my children and my relationship with God the Father. Wow! Just all kinds of lessons there!

I believe that God gave us each child that my husband and I have.

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. Psalm 139:13

They didn't just happen as a product of biology. He knows us and knows what we need and knows each of our children and chose us to be together as a family. God is the creator of life - that means only He can bring new life - and that means I wouldn't have 8 children unless God had chosen to give me them. All of them. I don't know why I am so blessed. I'm not the best mom or teacher. I'm disorganized and impatient. I'm not a superwoman, but as I've heard others say, I've got a super God and through Him I can be just the mom these children need me to be.

A Prayer for Change in Me

Nearly two years ago my mother-in-law (mil) went to her heavenly home and God decided I needed to grow. My father-in-law (fil) came to live with us.

He's a nice guy and a Christian so it should be easy to live with him, right? Well, I've been struggling with this situation nearly the whole time he's been here. I mean, initially I was for it. My husband is an only child and my fil wouldn't have enough money without his wife's social security to continue living in their apartment. Or really anywhere for that matter. His only son should take care of him. Family should take care of family. I believe that, but it's not always easy. And about 4 months after his arrival I found myself wishing he'd just go home. Only, he was home. Right here with us.

It's really like having another child. That may sound mean, but it's true. He can't drive and has lots of doctor appointments, so we are constantly having to spend a lot of time chaffeuring him. He is very self-centered. No matter the topic, for him it's all about how it will affect him. He overreacts and yells when the baby does minor things. He's even argued with children in a "you started it" type of debate.

Our daughters had to give up their bedroom for my fil. They are in an unsatisfactory "bedroom" (others have to walk through it to get their bedrooms) with no closet and very little space for their things. The baby who would be in with her sisters is still in our bedroom. When we moved to this house I thought, "how great,!"finally we could move a baby out of our room when we were ready instead of them staying because there was no where else to put him/her. Practically speaking, we just don't have room for him anymore. At first it wasn't too bad, but we really need that bedroom back for children. We can't afford an addition or any other option we've explored so far.

And then there's just all the annoying things he does. I know we all have annoying habits. I have them and so does dh, but we chose to live with each other. I feel like I was forced to live with my fil (not by anyone, but by the situation) and I resent that.

I could list all kinds of things he does that would get you on my side and sympathetic to having to deal with all this, but I'm not going to do that. I know that for the most part, my struggle to deal with this is mine. I'm the problem. I'm too easily irritated. I expect too much. I just can't be the sweet servant that I picture God would like me to be. I guess it's my resentment that my fil and mil were foolish with their money all their lives. Now he pays the price, but so do my husband and I. I can't forgive him for making terrible choices in the way he handled money and was (and is) so passive and unambitious that they ended in deep debt.

What I've shared isn't easy. I know I'm being selfish and petty. I know this is not how I should feel. I should be happy to help a loved one, one who helped make my husband who he is. I am not proud of my thoughts. I've prayed a lot about this. Prayed for help in forgiving, for a sweet spirit, for a humble heart. So far they haven't arrived. I continue to struggle with this. Sometimes I pray that God will find him somewhere else to live so I don't have to deal with all of it. I pray for God to work out the bedroom situation soon. Even though I never say anything negative about my fil to or in front of my children the girls wish they could have their bedroom back and kind of resent Grandpa for taking it.

So why did I share all this? Well, this blog is mainly for me to really take a look at myself. To be honest about me. In this case, honest about my failings so that I can make the changes I need to. I can see that my attitude and tone of voice with him is getting worse not better, but I can't seem to stop it. So, I could use prayer. It's painfully obvious to me that I cannot change myself, only God can change me.

"Lord, I pray that you would change my heart. Help me to forgive my fil. You have forgiven me so many things, often much worse than being foolish with my money. Show my how to forgive. Help me to truly love my fil. Love is an action, so help me to show that love by the way I talk and the things I do. I know I can't do these things myself. Only you have the power to change my wicked heart from selfish to selfless; from resentful to forgiving; from short-tempered to sweet-tempered; from hateful to loving. Please work in me for your glory. Amen"

Feminism

I've been reading a lot of blogs recently discussing feminism and complementarians vs. egalitarians within the church. Those last two I had never heard and didn't know what they meant until the last couple of months.

I have a hard time with feminism. Yes, there were a lot of good things that came out of the feminist movement. Women's right to own property, to not be considered their husbands' property, right to vote etc. Unfortunately, feminism is tied to many bad things, too - selfishness, man-hating, the "me" generation, the sexual revolution and abortion to name a few that spring to mind. Many women were so wrapped up in getting for themselves they couldn't see the damage that they were doing to others and even themselves in the process and they were hurting other women as they encouraged them to do the same.

I am thankful that I have the rights I do as a woman, perhaps I would have been a feminist in the early days of the movement, but now I could never consider myself a feminist.

Gladys, China and My Boys

Gladys Aylward


A couple of days ago I was looking for a movie at the library and spotted The Inn of the Sixth Happiness. I'd never seen it but had heard it was about Gladys Aylward as a missionary in China. I enjoyed it, though some of the acting was poor, but most was good. I've only read a Trailblazer book about Gladys Aylward as a read-aloud to my children, so I'm sure I don't know many details, but I'm pretty sure the scriptwriters added the whole romance she had in the movie. In fact, I just did a little web-surfing and learned that Gladys was embarrassed about the movie, especially the "love scenes" which never happened. However, I was reminded of her stubbornness to follow where God led her despite no one having faith in her ability to be a missionary in China. And she accomplished amazing things there, because she listened and obeyed God instead of men. Awesome and inspiring. I guess I should read a proper biography of her life.

Part of the reason I chose that movie was that my two oldest sons (19 and 15) are in China at this very moment on a mission trip. So it seemed very fitting. Of course, they can't go in as missionaries. They are there as students helping Chinese students learn conversational English. While they are there they hope to make friendships that will open the door for them to share their hope and belief in Christ. Before they left they had an intense training camp to prepare them for the trip, make them into a team and teach them to rely on God. Now they will be using what they learned and we are praying for them and the Chinese students they will be with. It's so thrilling to know my children are doing God's work.

He Moves Me

Several months ago I took a brief sabbatical. My husband and I had agreed that we each needed to have a weekend alone, away from normal routines to have time to think, pray, worship and be with God. I took mine in October last year.

I spent Friday night in a motel room worshipping the Lord with music (not too loud :-), and both Saturday and Sunday I spent in nature. Friday I went to an arboretum. It was a perfect day, sunny and warm but not too hot, but since it was October it was nearly deserted and I almost had the place to myself (like 250 acres or something). I just soaked up God's glory as I looked at His creations. Somehow the shades of green in nature just fill me up with good feelings. The breeze was just perfect to set the colored leaves fluttering on the branches. Mmmmm, I love autumn.

Saturday I spent on the beach. Relaxing to the rhythmic splashing of the waves on the sand. Awestruck by the vastness of the water and the very strong wind. Walking and thinking and just feeling God all around me. It was wonderful. How can anyone think this could just happen on it's own?

It was wonderfully refreshing.

I had hoped that God would speak to me during that time with a flash of light or some other instant and powerful new knowing. I came home feeling good, but a little disappointed I hadn't had any great new revelations. When my husband asked me about it I tried to explain as best I could but I couldn't really put together the few bits I felt maybe God wanted me to get out of it. All I really felt was that God wanted me to to do something for him. What? Anything. Just do something. Something for others so they can see God. But that didn't seem new or amazing and it just seemed there was something more than that and I just couldn't see it. And besides, he didn't tell me specifically what I should do. Still had to figure that out.

It has taken me time to process it. But those bits have come together now. When I went away I was feeling beaten down by my failure, because I kept repeating the same sins: yelling at my children, anger at my husband, envy of others' talents, lack of my own self-discipline, etc. But I was the one beating myself up over those things. Over and over again. That weekend God was trying to tell me that I wasn't moving forward, wasn't accomplishing things for Him because I was too busy dwelling on my past sin. I was labeling myself as a failure and preventing myself from being an active participant in God's work. He had forgiven me and my sin was as far from me as the east is from the west. I needed to live that. Lightbulb moment! :-)

I haven't completely broken free but God's working on it. And I've started moving. In fact, the revelation didn't come until after I was obedient to God's urging me to do something for Him. I've always been concerned with meeting others' needs when they are in difficult circumstances. The idea began to grow of starting a food pantry in our church. I began researching the idea and got another lady from church on board and the pastor is eager for us to begin. We've got lots of ideas and a location within the church. Unfortunately, Satan has been trying to hinder our church recently, and so the pantry is still waiting for approval and a budget while other things are handled. But writing this post helps me remember I need to not let this slip away, but to do what I can to move forward with it so I am obedient to God's call to me: To do something for othersto share His Glory with them.

Pretty Please with Sugar on Top?

So I was out working in the yard, where God often speaks to me, and he told me something. It really didn't have anything to do with what's going on in my life (as far as I know) or a topic that was on my mind, but there it was in my head. So I wondered what I should do with it. It's not an answer to a question and I'm not preparing to speak anywhere (thank goodness!) but maybe I'm supposed to share it. Where can I share it? Say I know.....

If you are a parent then you probably have a similar experience to mine - children asking you to get them things for their birthday or Christmas - Barbies, bikes, trampolines, puppies, a Red Ryder BB gun. Often my children have asked for things that I have no intention of buying them. Like the cheap plastic flashlight/light saber at the circus where they charge like $10 for something I could get for $2 at the store and it will be broken by the end of next week. Some of it's just junk and I'm trying to spare them the tears when it breaks. Or there's the flashy noisemaking thing they just saw on tv and can't even remember the name, but, oh, it lights up and spins and walks and talks and drinks and burps. And they will be bored with it after the first day. And then there's the stuff that they just can't learn to use wisely no matter how many chances they get, for us that's the swords. At first I let them get them. "Yeah, Mom, we know we can't hit with them and we have to be careful not to hurt anyone with them and if we do you'll take 'em away." They rarely make it through a day. We don't buy those anymore.

Sometimes we're like that with our heavenly Father. "I really love him, why doesn't he love me? Please, God, can't you make him love me?" "I love this house, why can't I have it?" "God, if you let me win the powerball, I promise I'll give the church half." From our point of view the object of our desire is beautiful, shiny and will make us happy. Why wouldn't God want to make us happy?


Probably because from his view he can see that that relationship, just like a cheap toy, will fall apart and make us cry. He wants to protect us. And the perfect house, or job, or car like a flashy but useless toy, will make us happy for a little bit, but it's not what we really need and soon we'll want something else to fill our emptiness. He wants us to look to Him to fill our needs.


And why won't God let me win the powerball. I really, really want to give most of it away to church and missionaries. I really do want it to serve His purposes, so why not? Maybe because he knows we can't use it wisely. Because we will begin to worship it instead of Him.


Sometimes I do let my children have these things they ask for, because they just won't understand why they're not good and I see that they will have to learn it for themselves. And our Father God does the same. We keep whining and nagging. It's not that we wear him down like a human parent might be, but he sees that we'll have to learn for ourselves - the hard way.


He's a good dad. When our new toy doesn't do what we hoped He doesn't say, "I told you so." He just opens His arms and holds us and gives us what we really need. Him.

My Escape

Over the years of our marriage we've established that my husband is the worrier and I'm not. If I'm an hour late getting home, he envisions me in a terrible car crash, if he's an hour late I figure he bumped into an old friend. But lately I've made a discovery about myself.

I do worry.

I just worry about different things. Things that I need to do, that I forgot to do, that people expect of me that I can't live up to. You see the things I can't control, I don't worry about. That's God's thing and worrying about it won't change it. But the things I control, those I worry that I'm going to screw up.

I know, that's really weird. Most people worry about the things they CAN'T control. So what's wrong with me?

I don't know I just think I'm going to say the wrong thing or forget to mail the important papers by the deadline costing us a fortune or that the dinner will be burned. No, I don't have a lot of self-confidence. I don't take on a many projects, and really with 8 kids, homeschooling, homemaking and all that, I don't have time for a lot of outside stuff. But I've realized that often I turn down projects because I don't feel I can do a good job of it.

I also realized that I have the same approach to new ideas. When somebody announces they are doing something new and different like the 3 guys who drove through all 48 continental states in 5 days I say, "Wow, how cool!" But when my husband suggests something new and different, "Hey, Honey, whaddaya say we make a plan to do a weekend getaway without the kids?" I'm quick to point out all the reasons it won't work. I've realized the reason I'm so optimistic about others lofty goals, but pessimistic about my own rather humble aspirations is........me. I have great confidence that others can pull off great things, but sadly can't picture myself accomplishing much besides what I'm already doing - and I don't feel all that great about my job performance where I'm at. Yes, it's a cliche but I have a fear of failure.

I've made a few feeble, small efforts at trying new things to push myself some. I am seeing that I can learn to do new things and not be destroyed at the failures that are part of the process. But it's not easy. When I screw up, I get frustrated but try to remember the big picture and remember that others fail, too. They just usually persevere until they get it right and that's what I need to do, too. I worry too much along the way about looking foolish to others, which is strange because I never cared what they thought of how I dressed, homeschooled and homebirthed. Why do I care what "they" think now?

I've realized that I'm going to have to continue to push myself to do things despite my fear of failing, or I'll never grow anymore. Satan has me bound up in the shadows of my own inadequacies and to break free I have to embrace risk. Risk that I'll fail, look foolish, be laughed at, but that will move me out of the shadows and into the light. Move me further from me and closer to God. And that's really what it's about. It's not just about me having accomplishments to feel good about myself, it's about glorifying God and knowing Him more. I can't do those things very well if I'm hiding in the shadows, hoping no one will notice me. I can't do that anymore. I won't do that anymore. So here I go. Say a prayer for me, will you?

Reliant K: Be My Escape

Prince Caspian

I really liked this movie. I know, it's not like the book and for some people that's a problem. Well, it's been ages since I read the book, and with my weak memory, that means ... I don't care if it's not like the book. :-) I highly recommend it.

Fundamentalist, Orthodox, Emerging?

....or none of the above.








So many labels...but none really fit. How do I describe myself? Hmmmm. I am a Christian. But more than that it's hard to say. I'm not a fundamentalist - I mean I don't wear dresses only, shun alcohol or run in fear of rock and roll music.

I'm not orthodox - after all I not only do laundry on days other than Monday, but I don't sort my whites and darks.

Emerging... from where, and to what? I guess if I don't know, I must not be. Right?



All I know is this:

Jesus, son of God most High, died for me, rescued me from the black dungeon of my sin
My life is His, for in whose hands can I trust it more than in my Creator's
I must daily walk in His footsteps or I may lose my way
He loves me, He LOVES me, He loves .... ME!
Why, I don't know, but it is all I need
and I shall cling to it always.

You've Got that Backwards

I'm a wife and a mom. Typical in many ways, but atypical in many more. You see I have 8 children. When my husband tells others this truth, they ask him why and feel sorry for his poor wife. When I tell others they tell me I must be supermom and other complimentary lines.

In this 2.1-child-per-family-one-boy,-one-girl,-.1-who-knows-what? world, we're kind of outsiders. Some might think I am nostalgic of the stories of my grandparents generation, trying to recreate the large families that my parents enjoyed. You'd be wrong. In fact, when I think of my grandmothers, I think they would be shaking their heads in disapproval of SO many children.

Because in our upside-down family it was my grandmothers who were modern women working outside the home, bringing home the bacon just like their husbands and keeping their families small intentionally.

My maternal grandmother was born in 1910 and married during the Great Depression. Everyone was poor, she had come from a large family that was extremely poor even before the depression. When she had babies, she made sure it was only 2 and they were 5 years apart. She didn't work because she was a feminist, she worked because she wanted her babies to go to college some day and have priveleges she didn't.

My paternal grandmother was born in 1900. She came from a wealthy family and became a teacher and married late and later inherited a lot of money. She had only one son, I believe, because she didn't want to spend a lot of time being a mom, she had lots of important things to do and more children would prevent her from doing them. She didn't work because she had to, or even because she was a feminist, it was simply what she wanted to do and nobody told her what she could and couldn't do. She liked teaching and that's what she would do.

My maternal grandmother died before I was married. I know the only reason she would shake her head at so many children is that she would be concerned they all got what they needed. They don't always get what they want, and don't always get what I want them to have or think would be good for them, but they always have what they need - God has provided abundantly.

My paternal grandmother lived to see our first child, whom she was thrilled with. She also learned I was expecting our second child and was horrified and told me "there are ways to prevent that (but your grandpa always took care of that)" What? LaLaLa, fingers in the ears, don't want to hear about grandma and grandpa's birth control, thank-you-very- much! She died before our second child was born, so I never heard her opinion of #3-8. She would be sad I was wasting so much of my life :-( and trying to convince us to move to her town and live near her like always.

So what's my point? Haven't got one. Just was thinking how backwards it seems to culture. In the 1930's and '40s when most women were staying home, having big families, my grandmothers were going against the grain. And now when most families have 2 children and most mothers work at least part-time, I'm a stay-at-home mom of a large brood. Maybe that explains my contrariness, it's in my genes - don't like public schools? -that's fine I'll teach 'em myself it can't be that hard. Don't like them hospital births? Home, Sweet Home for me. And my, these little things, children, they're not nearly so bad as everyone is always letting on. In fact, they keep life hopping, don't they? Let's rustle up a few more! :-)

What am I doing Here?

I decided I needed somewhere to work out my thoughts. To write them down and hopefully understand them better. God has been moving me, growing me, I've been reading a lot of books to learn more. Things like Rich Mullins: An Arrow Pointing to Heaven (actually a reread of this), The Screwtape Letters and Surprised by Joy by C.S. Lewis, and others I can't think of right now. And after I read each book I find a jumble of thoughts fill my mind, but with little time to really ponder these thoughts and so many interruptions, it seems I can never organize them in any meaningful way. I never really move forward with them and over time the insight that might have come with them seems to disappear.

So.....I am hoping that writing my thoughts down will force me to organize them and maybe I will learn some new things about myself and my God. And I'm writing it as a blog so I can get feedback from others because we all have blinders in some areas and other people can call me on those areas, which will help me learn and grow even more.