Over the years of our marriage we've established that my husband is the worrier and I'm not. If I'm an hour late getting home, he envisions me in a terrible car crash, if he's an hour late I figure he bumped into an old friend. But lately I've made a discovery about myself.
I do worry.
I just worry about different things. Things that I need to do, that I forgot to do, that people expect of me that I can't live up to. You see the things I can't control, I don't worry about. That's God's thing and worrying about it won't change it. But the things I control, those I worry that I'm going to screw up.
I know, that's really weird. Most people worry about the things they CAN'T control. So what's wrong with me?
I don't know I just think I'm going to say the wrong thing or forget to mail the important papers by the deadline costing us a fortune or that the dinner will be burned. No, I don't have a lot of self-confidence. I don't take on a many projects, and really with 8 kids, homeschooling, homemaking and all that, I don't have time for a lot of outside stuff. But I've realized that often I turn down projects because I don't feel I can do a good job of it.
I also realized that I have the same approach to new ideas. When somebody announces they are doing something new and different like the 3 guys who drove through all 48 continental states in 5 days I say, "Wow, how cool!" But when my husband suggests something new and different, "Hey, Honey, whaddaya say we make a plan to do a weekend getaway without the kids?" I'm quick to point out all the reasons it won't work. I've realized the reason I'm so optimistic about others lofty goals, but pessimistic about my own rather humble aspirations is........me. I have great confidence that others can pull off great things, but sadly can't picture myself accomplishing much besides what I'm already doing - and I don't feel all that great about my job performance where I'm at. Yes, it's a cliche but I have a fear of failure.
I've made a few feeble, small efforts at trying new things to push myself some. I am seeing that I can learn to do new things and not be destroyed at the failures that are part of the process. But it's not easy. When I screw up, I get frustrated but try to remember the big picture and remember that others fail, too. They just usually persevere until they get it right and that's what I need to do, too. I worry too much along the way about looking foolish to others, which is strange because I never cared what they thought of how I dressed, homeschooled and homebirthed. Why do I care what "they" think now?
I've realized that I'm going to have to continue to push myself to do things despite my fear of failing, or I'll never grow anymore. Satan has me bound up in the shadows of my own inadequacies and to break free I have to embrace risk. Risk that I'll fail, look foolish, be laughed at, but that will move me out of the shadows and into the light. Move me further from me and closer to God. And that's really what it's about. It's not just about me having accomplishments to feel good about myself, it's about glorifying God and knowing Him more. I can't do those things very well if I'm hiding in the shadows, hoping no one will notice me. I can't do that anymore. I won't do that anymore. So here I go. Say a prayer for me, will you?
Reliant K: Be My Escape
I do worry.
I just worry about different things. Things that I need to do, that I forgot to do, that people expect of me that I can't live up to. You see the things I can't control, I don't worry about. That's God's thing and worrying about it won't change it. But the things I control, those I worry that I'm going to screw up.
I know, that's really weird. Most people worry about the things they CAN'T control. So what's wrong with me?
I don't know I just think I'm going to say the wrong thing or forget to mail the important papers by the deadline costing us a fortune or that the dinner will be burned. No, I don't have a lot of self-confidence. I don't take on a many projects, and really with 8 kids, homeschooling, homemaking and all that, I don't have time for a lot of outside stuff. But I've realized that often I turn down projects because I don't feel I can do a good job of it.
I also realized that I have the same approach to new ideas. When somebody announces they are doing something new and different like the 3 guys who drove through all 48 continental states in 5 days I say, "Wow, how cool!" But when my husband suggests something new and different, "Hey, Honey, whaddaya say we make a plan to do a weekend getaway without the kids?" I'm quick to point out all the reasons it won't work. I've realized the reason I'm so optimistic about others lofty goals, but pessimistic about my own rather humble aspirations is........me. I have great confidence that others can pull off great things, but sadly can't picture myself accomplishing much besides what I'm already doing - and I don't feel all that great about my job performance where I'm at. Yes, it's a cliche but I have a fear of failure.
I've made a few feeble, small efforts at trying new things to push myself some. I am seeing that I can learn to do new things and not be destroyed at the failures that are part of the process. But it's not easy. When I screw up, I get frustrated but try to remember the big picture and remember that others fail, too. They just usually persevere until they get it right and that's what I need to do, too. I worry too much along the way about looking foolish to others, which is strange because I never cared what they thought of how I dressed, homeschooled and homebirthed. Why do I care what "they" think now?
I've realized that I'm going to have to continue to push myself to do things despite my fear of failing, or I'll never grow anymore. Satan has me bound up in the shadows of my own inadequacies and to break free I have to embrace risk. Risk that I'll fail, look foolish, be laughed at, but that will move me out of the shadows and into the light. Move me further from me and closer to God. And that's really what it's about. It's not just about me having accomplishments to feel good about myself, it's about glorifying God and knowing Him more. I can't do those things very well if I'm hiding in the shadows, hoping no one will notice me. I can't do that anymore. I won't do that anymore. So here I go. Say a prayer for me, will you?
Reliant K: Be My Escape
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